Haunted: On Suicide

In 2011, two old friends from publishing committed suicide. I had not seen either of them for years, but had been in touch with both online in the prior year through Facebook and e-mail. This brings to four the number of my friends and acquaintances who have left life by choice, at their own hands.

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I am the luckiest person I know. I mean that. I don’t believe most of my friends know anyone much luckier than I am. I have never known what I wanted to be when I grow up. Yet I had a fifteen year career in publishing for Harper & Row, later Harper Collins. I got all of my books, and most of my music, for free. I got to spend time with Barbara Kingsolver, Muhammad Ali, Tony Hillerman, the Rev. Ralph Abernathy, Clive Barker, and many many more. I have also benefited from two inheritances, one of which was a complete surprise, which have permitted me to live a life of relative leisure and financial security. I have had my retirement in the middle of my life, and it has been a complete blast. I have traveled a lot, and learned a lot. If I were to qualify my earlier statement about not knowing what I wanted to be, I would say that I’ve always known that I wanted to live a life of inquiry. I have learned a little Spanish, a little German, a little Permaculture, a little law. I’ve been privileged to volunteer for, and learn from, some wonderful organizations. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Religion and Philosophy, and a Master’s in Western Classics. I’ve taken a short course in publishing at Stanford (so when I run for office and say I went to Cornell [College] and Stanford, it’s true!), and read lots of books – but not as many as I’ve bought. I’ve lived in Santa Fe and the San Francisco Bay Area, and visited Prague, Rome, Plitvice Lakes, Yosemite and Yellowstone and Harper’s Ferry, Barcelona, Ireland, and Jerusalem. My life has not been what I imagined it would be – there’s been no life partner, no lifelong career, never much of the sense of direction I associated with adulthood when I was young – but it’s been full of wonderful people and experiences. I’ve been very, very lucky. Luckier than anyone you know, probably.

And I’ve been suicidal.